a blue moon

Its been ages since i wrote anything.
Just had this urge to do it now.
Looking at the past journeys my life, 
I can confidently say " I've come so far".
All the obstacles, all the failed relationships
and the number of jobs I've tried. 
All these made me who i am today.
What i am is what I've been through.
Given a chance, i might not want to change some of it.

I want to change those events that made me a very unhappy girl.
i want to forget i ever was cheated on.
i want to forget that i was abused.
i want to forget all of it that made me subconsciously  became a girl i barely knew.

On this very day,
I've been in a fairly new relationship for about 8 months now.
Its been a difficult one.
We argue over the slightest thing.
Well, we both are stubborn to begin with and we have a temper of a bull.
We love each other but we never seem to agree on anything.
I, am afraid things of the past will repeat itself and ruin it all for me again.
He, is having a difficult time pleasing me. 
I, am afraid to trust fully.
He, is a victim of my distrust.
I, do things rashly.
He, irritates the hell out of me when he says he needed time to cool off and just left me alone.
I, just needs him to spend a little more time to coax me.
He, spending lesser time doing that.

Its hard to ignore the fact that he's getting more irritated by me now.
Its hard to believe things will still work out fine.
Tears well up my eyes just by the thoughts of it.
I know i need to prepare for the day that i'll lose this relationship but somehow i don't know how and don't want to.

I am trying my very best. I hope what I'm willing to put my pride and ego down is worth it.
All i want is one who is willing to marry me for who i truly am, because that will change everything.
But no one will know.
Because he sees only whats happening now and not what could happen then.
The negativity that he sees of me is heartbreaking.
Its killing me inside.